Everything was white when I awoke this morning. And i mean just the air. And i mean the second time i woke (well, fourth, if we are talking technically, for panic had me at one stage). I adore the snow, and Winter feels so far, and yet I awoke to the treasured glistening some how. It was there like a lingering spirit.
Winter is tainted, it is true, in my previous two years it has been something of stress, sadness, grief. And yet i long so to be back in Winter, and return it to that which I am in love with again!
This morning, as i turned in the pale, his photo was prominent. It stood out like it had not done so before, not since I placed it upon my window sill. Suddenly it seemed just weeks ago, suddenly i was so young again and the usual presence lingering around the photographs had disapeared. It wasn't there. It seemed it was at home, in his body, where it should be.
Of course the daze of waking subsided, and i returned to rational thought rather quickly, but the air still was white, and so I swept legs over sheets and took the photoframe into my hands. In one, he gleamed a smile and bore a kind arm upon father, the second, he had whisked a snow white into his arms, his face firmly protective.
The selfish in me still says, it still says, 'Why are you here to protect me no longer!'. Its bitter, a voice inside constantly weeping and yet growing weak and tiresome. It's throat a mere ache to the strength it was in the weeks post-leaving.
Yes, many will have stopped reading now, and yes, I am aware I am forever talking to blank, dully painted walls.

But it will never go, not from mind, not from skin. Your colours are bleeding into me still.

Cherished, was I?, at such early hours. And cool, was I, to wake later in solemn still.
Today, I miss him. I have missed him, and always have before his leaving even. And yet, today - I miss. I truely miss. In the word I feel guilt, for today, although she is also missed, the fear that she will some how find out sits irrationally upon my shoulders. And yet, even beside me now as she could be, I feel she understands.
Today is his day. And my heart, it does wilt.
Photographs for me are such a drug. They provoke thoughts left upon dust coated shelves, they excite memories long since played and they bring me to be uncontrollable in emotion. They bring tears to eyes once so dry, they bring sweat to skin and pants to low breath. They live, to me, so close am I with the memories I hold.
For a moment, I've no words. And so i give.

~

You and I, must make a pact,
We must bring salvation back.
Where there is love, I'll be there.
I'll reach out my hand to you,
I'll have faith, in all you do.
Just call my name, and I'll be there.

I'll be there to comfort you,
Build my world of dreams around you,
I'm so glad that I found you.
I'll be there with a love so strong,
I'll be your strength, I'll keep holding on.
Yes I will.

Let me fill your heart with joy and laughter,
Togetherness, is all I'm after.
Whenever you need me, I'll be there.
I'll be there to protect you,
With an unselfish love, I respect you.
Just call my name, and I'll be there.

If you should ever find some one new,
I know he better be good to you (This, is where I gaze upward, always).
Cos if he doesn't, I'll Be There. (I, this time).

I'll be there, I'll be there, whenever you need me, I'll be there.
Just look over your shoulder honey.
Just call my name, and I'll be there.
-Jackson 5.


- Written Tuesday, May 31st. 2011.