Salt and Sand.

As of late, I have caged that washed-out summer feeling, and once again it is encasing my emotions. Death has reared it's claw to another familiar face and voice and distracted with the masses elsewhere. It's being disgusting at the moment, I am not sure why, not that any are, but I feel it too common a place.
A friend, not so wise - it must be said, once said to me after the death of a very close loved one to us both;
''How old are you now? 19? -Here, he shook his head, fiddling with his thinly rolled cigarette- It's all down here from here, one after the other now''.
Of course, he was referring to deaths. It was a terrifying thing to hear, no doubt. But I remained calm, and responded only with a tilt of my still mind, a glance at him that he did not return, and the idle fiddling of the gift from her who had passed in my hands.
I have not been in that living room for quite some time, but then, it was exactly as she had left and decorated it.

Much of this, many of these thoughts, have provoked nostalgic, dry, white thoughts of the East end streets. The common, natural, and ever flowing longing for returning 'home' has returned. I see the crowded buses without faces, the tube journeys and the summer heat between Dagenham east and Barking. The cool tease of the tiled floor of Chadwell heath station, the dusty dry streets just outside of his home. The suspicious eye of the shopkeeper as I buy a countless amount of Jamaican Hardo Bread, listening to the likes of Amy Winehouse on my i-pod. The cracked, white cool of his kitchen floor, the strange and unidentifiably comforting scent of his then home. His final home.

The sky here at present is muggy, it is grey and lightless, thankfully, but the heat still rests at the door.
It is a home, that is for sure, but I find it rather difficult to connect these two places. It is not the first time that I have felt like seperate people, that I have been torn right in half for want of one place and need of another.
My life is pleasant, magical and astounding now, oh the thought that ran through me just weeks ago;
'It's my turn now, to live my life'.
My heart screamed out and turned in my chest, I have more than one home, how fortunate I am. But the people, those within those homes now, what do they scream?

And yes, I am having my summer block. Writing is difficult to structure, thoughts will not meet my lips with ease and my skin is tightening beneath the glare, but still I am here and to try. This rolling upset, this longing, these photographs, yes, they will always breathe down the back of my neck strangely alluring and soothing...
But what I have before me, oh what I have.. There are not words for the astoundment. I have not a way, yet, to describe how fortunate I feel. How scared that my lips tremble a smile. It is true, some people have it handed to them upon a plate, and squander it mercilessly. But at the moment, I feel like the only one. I grip this beautiful thing in my hands like the sand on my so-missed seaside, discovering silver shells and shimmering pebbles as the grains fall.
Water collapses at my feet.

Yes, I do miss you all, but I am aware that your lives are a little too advanced to be missing me too.
Moving photographs so I can see the waves, a stone heart beats softly into the sand.
I'll never know another day like the one that my uncle and I sat, getting rather off it on Rose from plastic cups, upon the seaside. Oh the pebbles and the sand, we waited for something that never did come about, throwing rocks at a coconut on the water's edge. It was our sunny evening.
The train back, the scent of sand and salt, tearing faces from the news papers and putting them upon others.
My hair was claret and blue, yours, of course, was slap-head. And we did.
'Your wondering now, what to do, now you know, this is the end'.
Taking notice of my music, reminding me of yours. You truly wanted to know me.
Oh how distracted we all were.
And then, there were the nights. How voices still run through the memory, the smell of whiskey and wine. The sight of Jack bottles in the bin outside, the constant damp of the garden. Amy wording the back ground, dices rolled and how I always managed to 'get the glam questions'.

It has grown cooler, the nights will begin to leak in earlier now. I ask the winter, the winter I have confessed my Love to, to treat me well this year. To be kind.

How it happened.

So when you kiss me, make it so that it hurts.
I cannot understand, take nothing but that of which was given to you.
She stared outwardly, a steel wall behind her eyes.
So he turned on the bar and questioned turntables and fables.
Smiling, she nodded. Her eyes shielding a glaze.
He imagined her burrowing, into his shoulder
A shield to the world beneath velvet and tassle.
Bedside lamp even cutting out direct light.
There was a fireplace in the room below, though all that was left of it,
behind it's wall,
Were embers still flickering, eyes watching warily.
London streets holding onto their lamp posts,
Each a candle waiting to be distinguished.
Highlighting each damp cobble beyond her gaze inward.
When the jungles of the world and the depths of the oceans were known only by the ones who died seeing them.

But there were dragons and witches, just waiting to be written of.
My own eyes seeking backward pasts
And leering in all the darkest crevices of the city.
I waited in doorways and watched the regulars pass
Til morning arrived and the sunlight attempt to bleach my retina.
It won't last forever,
but it shall only evolve.
Toasted to long marble tables, adorned in gold tupper
And tassles, like the ones of the bed you hid me in.

I think i realised, a-top the palm tree.
That gripping would only ever result in sliding.
Sweat, tire and tears of desperation.
So i mightn't see the sea for the endless length that it is,
However, to fall, only ever, will take me right into what i glance.
A salt wave may push over my eyes,
remove the glaze harshly.
I saw green waves rumbling, and the world. The sky branching endlessly as ever.
But when submerged.
A world below, that even though i saw the sand lying unevenly,
carried on beneath just as did the sky.
My body, like an arrow, cut through the ocean, the granules growing closer,
Until they filled my eyes, until they clogged up my nostrils,
Until my own shoulders would no longer move
As the essence i once used, to make the castles for the dragons i'd dreamt of as a child
Devoured me and took me in as i had wished,
At one point i think i may have stopped.
But the fresh feel of my toes beneath now, wriggling and scathing,
A worm through mud, i knew i would find an ant's nest,
I must keep going.
No longer could i see, with eyes still open, the night time air was probably easier, two layers above
But a treasure chest, I'm sure, led some where below.


I died that night.